i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I could make wine with my vomit
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
