Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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