I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
