Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
