he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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