take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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