thus making me awesome and them whores
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
