my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
