The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
