I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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