He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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