Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
