Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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