I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
