I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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