My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
