We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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