at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
