I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
