Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
