got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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