I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
