you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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