You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
