Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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