My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
