i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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