So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i love accidental penises.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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