I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have tasted many bathrooms
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
