She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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