life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
