I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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