It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
