I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
