Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
