I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
