1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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