his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Panties = found
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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