I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i now understand why vodka
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize