I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
