I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
