my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
