this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
