My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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