I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How's work?
Spinning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
