Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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