Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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