birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
