I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
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