I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
