Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
