Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
