Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
