I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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