I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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