too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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