I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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